Update

So, here's an update on how things have been going since my last post. I finally, finally talked to Misty Monday night. Never really got an explination as to why she didn't bother answering any of my messeges or anything. It was actually more of her telling me that she doesn't want me to worry about her, that she promised me that she would be ok. I tried to tell her that I wouldn't worry if I didn't care. I want to be her friend, I want to be there for her. So she says she wants to figure out her life on her own, doesn't want to have to rely on anyone for it. She told me that she doesn't deserve to be cared about by someone like me. That she's an ass and just hurts people and runs away. I don't get it. I don't want her to solely rely on me to figure out her life, I can't figure things out for her, I have to run my life; but I want to be there as a support. I hate it when people think they don't deserve to be cared about. Everyone deserves at least one person who cares. It just really bothers me. She kept telling me that she's worthless and no good and doesn't deserve someone like me. I hate that. I hate it because I've felt that way about myself, and I know how painful it is, but I know how much better it is when you let people in and have support and people who really care. It just frustrates me so much when I want or try to help someone and they just push me away and don't want it. It's soooo frustrating. I've totally lost my train of thought now. Been up for 20 hours and I'm beat.
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    exhausted exhausted

Bummed Out

So, I'm kinda bummed out tonight. It's been a rough couple of days and I just need to vent it all out.
I thought things were on the upside for me. I started taking Adderall and it's really helped me with my ADD. I could tell a difference just the first day when I tried to study. I met a new girl too, Misty. We talked online a few times and then met in person for the first time last weekend. I thought things were going pretty good there. We had a really good talk Wednesday night, I told her about my TG issue and she told me some things. I thought that was a good thing. Even said that she really liked me. At the end she said that she might be going to her Grandma's this weekend but would leave me a message and let me know.Thursday I was in town and I decided to stop by her house and see if she was home (doesn't have a phone at the moment). Anyway, I remembered she said she drove a Pontiac and there was a white one sitting outside so I thought I was in luck. Knocked on the door. No answer. So I was kinda bummed out, but decided to go run some errands and try again. When I came back the second time there was a guy and girl walking into the house...I saw them go in and when I knocked on the door heard talking and what sounded like Misty's voice but no answer.  I knocked again and still no answer, so I left and went to dinner with my parents. At this point I was totally crushed because I just got blown off by one girl less than a month ago and now I feel like it's happening again. I went back to the house a third time after dinner, car still there,...no answer. So I left a note on the door that I had come by and to messege me.  Sent her a messege on myspace, that she read but didn't respond to. I feel like she's blowing me off and I'm really paranoid that it's because I told her about being TG. It's starting to really give me a complex- two girls in two months, what is wrong with me? It didn't help things either that I was feeling insecure about Michelle. It just seems like sometimes I'm more of an inconvience to her. I used to hear about how happy she was to see me, but now it just seems like it's just a pain. I was in the middle of talking to her about all of this when she got a phone call that her brother has cancer, and right now not a good prognosis. I could tell by the way she was crying when she came back that it was something major. I just told her to come see me. I knew it was the only way to try and comfort her. So we sat and talked for awhile and she calmed down. We talked a lot on the phone this afternoon too. Mostly about random things-I did most of the talking trying to distract her. Turns out I was distracting myself too. But now, I'm here alone and I'm thinking about it again. I think my buddy Brad is gonna go try and find Misty for me after he gets off work in 2 minutes. I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew what was going on with Misty. I wish I could fix things for Michelle. I just wish everything would be ok again. It's no wonder I'm crazy.

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    crushed crushed

Just venting

I just have to get this out of my system right now before I explode. Granted, I'm probably over reacting about the whole thing. But just let me over react for a while. I was seeing this girl, we'll call her Brooke. Anyway, I thought things were going pretty good until one day I blew off class and drove 1.5 hours to spend the day with her. Halfway through our time together, and halfway out of her clothes, she desides to tell me that she thinks she just wants to be friends. Then doesn't understand why I get a little upset. Things were pretty rocky for a couple of weeks, but then smoothed out. Then. last week she just up and stops talking to me. Like I just dropped off the face of the earth. Tonight, though, tonight is what got me all upset. There's this big article about her on the internet. About how wonderful it is that she is going to be an admissions councelor. A freaking admissions person. Give me a fucking break. I think I'm having such a hard time with this because lately there has been a lack of respect for what I do...being an EMT. A line of work where you really have an impact on people's lives. You do CPR and make life or death calls. Not just walk around and give campus tours.
Yesterday, I knelt in a pool of blood coming from a man that I didn't even know. He tried to hit me a couple of times. Didn't want to lay still. Cussed a whole lot. Spit in my face. But I held onto his neck. Because I knew it was probably broken. Turns out, it was. He had to be flown to a trauma center. You know how many people I've done CPR on? Neither do I.
My point it....she gives campus tours and gets a medal for it. People like me, we save lives and nobody gives a shit. Anyone see something wrong with that picture?

Feeling Hopeless

I just realized that I haven't posted on here in like 3 months. My bad. I've become a live journal slacker. There's been so much going on with me, I don't really know where to start. I'm still in school, and still not out. Pretty much everyone just thinks I'm gay. Right now, I'm going to let them think that because I'm still not ready to come out. I want to, but I'm scared. I'm scared of what my parents would do, and honestly, I'm relying on them alot. Mostly for medical insurance. I stopped seeing my therapist, it just was going nowhere. He didn't know anything about TG and really offered me no help except to just try and focus on how things could be 5 years from now. I still see a psychatrist, but I've quit the whole therapy thing.

I watched part of the MSNBC special "Born in the Wrong Body" tonight, and it really made me pretty sad. Sad and jealous. I'm jealous that those people are in the transition, and sad that I don't have the balls to do it myself right now. Part of me wonders if I ever will, or if I will just supress it and live my life being a miserable female. *ugh*. I must say that Michelle has been a big support to me over the last few months. She does really well at using male pronouns and referring to me as her boyfriend. That helps a lot. I'm missing her so much right now. It's awful. She's having back surgery in the morning and I can't be there.

I finally worked up the nerve to look up the number for a gyno. I really don't want to go, but I need to. I've never been, and I'm 21. Sad, I know. I don't want to go because guys don't go to the gyno. I don't want go because I'm afraid the exam will send me into flashbacks from when I was attacked. I keep telling myself that I need to just do it and get it over with. Hopefully I can get on one of the birth controls where you don't have a period because that would help a TON. That time of the month is not only very painful, but very depressing.

I'm considering looking into breast reduction. I have a lot of back pain and soreness and while my mom keeps arguing that I just need to wear a good bra and not my binder (she thinks it's just under armour), I'm thinking that maybe the insurance would pay for it. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot. Right now, I need to get the doctor appointment scheduled and out of the way. School will be out in 2 weeks and then hopefully I can really start figuring things out. It just seems kinda hopeless tonight. Maybe it will be better in the morning, I sure hope so.
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    depressed depressed

New Year Update

So I haven't posted in a while and thought maybe I should update ya'll on what has been going on with me.
I'm still in school, I actually had the best grades of my college career last semester. I'm halfway to being a paramedic and a semester from having an A.S. in Sports Medicine. The whole thing seems surreal to me since this time last year I was on the verge of being kicked out of school.
I'm still working as an EMT and I'm still on the fire department. I've come to really love fire fighting and get excited just watching a fire, even if it's not in my response area.
As far as the therapy and stuff goes. I had to switch therapists because the guy I was seeing left the medical group that I go to. I'm seeing this new guy, but he's not really much help. He knows next to nothing about transgender and the whole transitioning process. I was going to another councler on campus every week, but she quit seeing me in November. That really sucked. So, I'm having some trust issues ontop of the whole new therapist thing.
I'm hoping that this year I will have the guts to tell my parents what's going on with me. I think they still think I'm gay, but I'd really like to set them straight and get started on T and get my transition really going. I already pass pretty well, but I would like to start my career as a guy. I want to live as much of my life as happy as I can. I want to know that things are really getting better, not just that maybe they will someday. I'm tired of sitting back and wishing and hoping. I want to start doing something about it. I'm ready for the days where I have to shave every morning. Where I can walk around without a shirt on and be ok. Where I can buy boxers and my parents don't ask me why. I look forward to being "he, his, that guy, boyfriend, dude, buddy" and maybe, just maybe, someday a husband and a father.
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    crappy crappy

You Save Me

This is a song I heard on the radio by Kenny Chesney. Michelle, baby, this is for you. You've saved me time and time again. I love you.

You Save Me
(Carolyn Dawn Johnson/Troy Verges)


Every now an' then I get a little lost.
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed.
Every now an' then, I'm right up on the edge,
Dangling my toes out over the ledge.
An' I just thank God you're here.


'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun,
'Cause when I'm a firecracker comin' undone,
Or when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy:
No matter where my reckless soul takes me,
Baby, you save me.


It's hard lovin' a man that's got a gypsy soul:
I don't know how you do it, I'm not sure how you know,
The perfect thing to say to save me from myself.
You're the angel that believes in me like nobody else,
And I thank God you do.


'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun,
An' when I'm a firecracker comin' undone,
An' when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy:
No matter where my reckless soul takes me,
Baby, you save me.


I know I don't tell you nearly enough,
That I couldn't live one day without your love.


When I'm a ship tossed around on the waves,
Up on a highwire that's ready to break.
An' when I've had just about all I can take,
Baby, you; baby, you save me.


When I'm a bullet shot out of a gun,
An' when I'm a firecracker comin' undone,
An' when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy:
No matter where my reckless soul takes me,
Baby, you save me.
  • Current Music
    Big & Rich

Training

So, today was interior tactical training. It was pretty fun, defintally made me hungry for more. I only got scared once, but I had a good right to, even the experienced guys said that the situation was too hot for a rookie to be leading the attack on. I got to do some exterior hose work too. All in all it was fun, and I got out relatively unscathed. I'm really hungry for more now. I'm back on the ambulance tonight. I'm kinda hoping that we don't have much. I'm pretty worn out and sore. Mostly my neck and left shoulder, I can't get my left arm above my head. It's amazing the adrenline rush that I get from this stuff. I get a bigger high off of firefighting and ems than I ever did from sports. I'm gonna lay down now and watch some tv. I'd put the details of what happened today on here, but Michelle reads this and I'm not going to freak her out. You know how girls can be, freak out over the smallest of things, say like, going into a burning building. I love you baby....
  • Current Music
    Guns N Roses

Interior Tactical Training

So I got good news tonight. It's offical, I have interior tactical training tomorrow at 1300. I can't wait. I've been on the department for over 6 months and this is the first training that I'm getting. I feel like a little kid before Christmas. WooHoo. I know Michelle isn't going to be happy to hear about this because she saw Ladder 49, but I'm sure everything will be ok. We're just burning an old house, not a huge big building!
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    excited excited

Damn I'm Tired

So today I started my clinical hours at SCCH. I got there at 0900 and left at 2300. It was a damn long day but it was pretty intersting. I got to give alot of drugs, through IVs, by mouth, IM, Sub-Q. Set up two piggy back infusions, started one IV, did 4 patient assessments, and probably other things that I don't even remember doing. The coolest thing though was getting to watch and kinda assist with a cornea harvest. They had a death in ICU and the patient had donated her eyes so when the doc came to get them I got to go down and watch. He let me help a little bit. It was pretty intersting. Defintally something I'd never seen before. Usually I work on the truck on Mondays but the stuff I got to do was way better than sitting around station. I got yelled at twice, but neither one was ligitment. It was mothers of patients who are adults. It was retarted. Not even worth telling the details about. The only bad part about it was that there, I have to be a girl. I have to go by my birth and currently legal name. People call me girl, miss, woman, ma'am. I hate that. Absolutely HATE it. Part of me just wants to tell everyone that my name is Brody and I'm a guy. It's so hard not to. That is defintally the hardest part about doing all this stuff is having to be a girl. I wish I could work up the guts to really start the transition.
I haven't talked to Michelle (my girlfriend) hardly at all today. We talked while I was driving, but I couldn't text message or call all day long. That sucks because usually I get to talk to her alot on Mondays. :( Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed. Later all.
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    exhausted exhausted